…simmering in sadness…
I realize it’s been a few months since my last post. Let me tell you about my process…
Bee and I arrived to our Winter Camp, in South Carolina, the first week in November. It’s our first trip without Jannali. Bee and I were able to go explore. Our first adventure was this great woodsy trail that crossed paths with this great open meadow. Bee had a wonderful time, zoomies/playing ball/sniffing around the woods. It was still quite warm, 78 and sunny.
I was working from home, as a legal nurse consultant, on a project that was originally projected to last until April. However, through no fault of our own, the project ended sooner. I was laid off just before Christmas.
I believe the Universe was helping us. Giving us the time/space to grieve. We “went to bed” for about a month. We Simmered in our sadness, crying most of the day, praying to Nali (telling her how much we miss her in our lives), and looked at videos/pics of our beautiful “Big Dog”. We marinated in our grief.
It’s been abnormally colder than it’s ever been here in SC. Figures, we came to stay warm for the Winter. If you remember, I suffer from seasonal depression. So the colder temps, I’m talking mid 20’s overnight cold, helped our process by adding the depression. Which in turn, allowed me to give myself permission to lay in bed and cry without judgement/disappointment. I was able to allow myself to feel the pain, allowing it to overwhelm me. I was paralyzed by my grief. The depression was the extra layer I needed to help me be gentle with myself…it’s the ability to focus solely on the sadness. I hope to get to a place where the memories of Nali bring me mostly
Joy/Happiness, instead of reminding me of the pain/grief of her absence. Her happiness/comfort ruled my life. Without her Bee and I are struggling to find Joy again. I’m still not there yet, but I’m feeling intentional about eventually getting there. As long as I give myself permission to simmer in my sadness.
I believe the grieving process is different for everyone. There is no time limit, there is no “right way”, there is no protocol/guideline to follow…as a nurse I know there are 5 stages to the grieving process.
The five stages of grief are:
- denial.
- anger.
- bargaining.
- depression.
- acceptance.
I’ve accepted that Nali’s dead, however, I can’t get past the depression. So as you can see, it’s not always “in order” for everyone’s process. I also believe, it’s a lifelong process.
There is a saying I’ve been struggling with “would you have 5 years with the love of your life/soul mate, and not know it would only be 5 years together or not meet your love/soul mate at all”…I know it hurts so deeply because I loved her so deeply. She filled my heart. I will forever miss her! Just my coping becomes more manageable and I have more good days than bad. I believe one must give them self permission to grieve their own process/way. As long as nobody’s getting hurt or neglected, we should all allow ourselves to grieve. It’s not helpful to be told what they should be doing, how they should be processing, or what they need to get on the other side of the pain/grief.
After a little over a month in bed, I started to feel as if we needed to change our vibration. I had cleansing cries that made room for a change. Bee and I got a puppy.
Bee and I drove to Missouri to pick her up.
Jemma is a Catahoula. These are her parents…
This is her Dad, Luke.
This is her Mom, Timber. As you can see, she’s going to look just like her mama.
At first I thought I wanted a merle/leopard with blue eyes, because of Nali’s markings/eyes. Timber didn’t have any leopards with Jemma’s litter. After talking with a friend/therapist, I realized it was probably good that I didn’t get a leopard with blue eyes, as I would be unfair. Comparing the puppy to Nali not allowing the puppy to become her own self, develop her own personality. She still has piercing eyes, just not blue.
There were only 2 puppies left and they were both female. Jemma isn’t the puppy I thought I was interested in when looking at the pictures. However, when Bee and I went to meet them, see which puppy we had a connection with, Jemma picked us. She followed me around/kept coming up to me/ tugging on my braid/Bee kept “Humping” her…the other puppy was very aloof, didn’t come up to me at all/seemed to only care about chasing the cats on the farm…I was hesitant as I saw Jemma’s HIGH ENERGY and almost left without bringing home either one. I bent down and asked Jemma, “is it you? are you the one I need?” (with tears coming to my eyes) she tugged on my braid and that was it, it was her.
Jemma Joy has certainly changed the vibration around here. Bee has “come back to life”, doing zoomies all over the yard, playing with the ball, and wrestling with the puppy. Jemma gives me a reason to get out of bed everyday. However, all is not easy. I was so blessed to have Nali, she was such an easy puppy and Bee was easy because I had Nali to help. Jemma is very challenging! I’ve raised some stubborn dogs, including a stubborn Siberian Husky. Jemma is the most challenging Bull-headed puppy I’ve ever raised.
She’s been with us for about 2 weeks now. I thought I was open-mined/open-hearted, ready for a puppy. She’s been so challenging that I’m still questioning whether she’s a good fit for our lifestyle. She’s WILD. Bouncing off the walls of the camper. She’s HIGH ENERGY! I’ve been given to time/space to give her every opportunity/chance for success. Resources for training tips, and techniques that are working. She can sit/down/paw/walk well on a leash, she’s only 3 months old. She follows me around with great recall. Once she has all her shots and we can go out on the trails, I believe that will change everything. Just getting there is when I question my own readiness. I’ve thought, I can’t handle this challenge/I’m not up for this challenge…With the support of friends we’re going to try and getting over the learning curve hump to see if Jemma Joy is Indeed a good fit for us, or if she needs to live on a farm/ranch where she can live outside fulltime. I’m committed to doing everything I can to give her the best life that is most well suited for her. I hope it’s with us.
I’m so very grateful for everyone’s support during our grieving process…for everyone’s support in helping Bee and me overcome our challenges, coming out on the other side with a new vibration and valued new companion in Jemma Joy!