…just trying to overcome…

I’ve sat down so many times to try and write a post, I’ve not been able to find the words to describe the myriad of emotions that I’m feeling.  There isn’t any pattern. There is often more than one emotion present at one time. It’s a choatic attack with random “highs” and “lows”…

We’ve been back at Base Camp, in Pa, for about 1 month now.  When we first arrived we had a full schedule.  The girls were to spend time with “Auntie”, then a few days at the Clubhouse (combined daycare and overnight stays) while I went to teach a Wilderness First Responder course in Philly.  I taught the course with a very dear friend, and a fellow instructor that I attended Instructor Training (IT) with.  The WFR course went better than I could’ve hoped.  I am grateful I was able to learn from my dear friend who is very good at what she does.  My friend/colleague, whom I met at IT on Hurricane Island, lives in Bermuda and he runs a SCUBA/snorkeling program.  It was nice to reconnect with him.  I learned so much from both of them.  I hope to teach together again.

Before I left for Philly, I dropped off our camper for some repairs. While I was teaching and the girls were being well taken care of, I had 2 leaks that needed addressed.  As you know, one of the biggest enemy of RV life is a water leak on the INSIDE of the camper.  I had one leak on the INSIDE and one on the outside, actually underneath the camper is where I saw the “outside” leaking.  Since we live in our camper it’s difficult to leave it with our “RV guys”  for an overnight stay.  This was the best opportunity to have it fixed.  After the 8 days, THEY FIXED BOTH LEAKS!! 

On the day of my return, I picked up the girls from the Clubhouse and then had to take Nali directly to the vet’s for a procedure to diagnose her “lump”. Then Bee and I went to pick up our camper.  I was hoping to sleep with both my girls, as I had missed them so much while I was away in Philly, the vet called…

She told me that Nali would have to stay overnight.  She tried to remove the mass when she got about half way into the baseball sized mass, it started to bleed profusely.  In my nursing knowledge, a mass with a GOOD blood supply usually means CANCER! Nali had to stay overnight at the vet’s so they could monitor her.  I was devestated.  The reality didn’t hit me until we got the biopsy results…Stage 2 Osteosarcoma (Bone Cancer).  How could my Beautiful Big Dog have cancer!!??? She’s only 5 years old!

 

While we were in Philly, halfway through the WFR course, the Covid-19 crisis excelerated.  Not to the degree it is now, however, NOW all courses are cancelled until further notice.  The Summer Camp, where I’ve been working for the past 3 Summers might have to cancel camp for this year.  I now must adapt and adjust as I have no income and my Summer plan isn’t definite.  I have my girls to take care of.

Which leads me to my guilt.  I feel guilty that my fellow healthcare workers/EMS are facing this unprecedented pandemic, and I’m not there to help.  I feel guilty that I’m so jaded, my passion for emergency response is in a dark place.  Emergency Response is in my blood.  After working in a high volume, very urban ER for many years,  I’m sure I don’t want to go back to that!  However, I’ve been faced with going back to the ER in a rural setting even considering working on a Native American reservation.

Which leads me to my discouragement surrounding my Legal Nurse Consulting business.  I made some great connections while out West.  Although I made some great connections, the “Corona virus” has put an overwhelming obstacle on my path.  The possibility that I must abandon my dream of being my own boss, helping folks while generating income to shoulder my finacial burden, is real.  Going back to a stationary life, working a “shift” job, and leaving our “life on the road” is a possibility.

There are days, since the cancer diagnosis, that all I can do is hug Jannali, snuggle in bed and cry.  She fills my heart and I can’t even think about my life without her.  She’s only 5 years old.  It’s never easy when we lose a loved one, however, it’s more tolerable if they had a chance to live a long life.  When they are taken too soon, it rips out our hearts and leaves such a pain/sorrow/emptiness that recovering takes so much strength.  I’m not confident I can bear this loss…I asked her what she wanted to do, and she told me FIGHT!  I owe it to her to fight with everything I have.  I KNOW she will.

Jirakee knows something is wrong.  We all snuggle a little longer every morning, sing our songs more than once a day, pray everyday, and I tell them both how much I love them through my tears soooo many times a day.  “We have to make that Big Dog Well”…Bee goes over and licks Nali’s face/cleans her ears/lays right next to her.  When we are sitting outside, the neighbor’s dog comes over for a visit.  Nali and “Buddy” used to run and play…she can’t do that anymore…”Buddy” doesn’t understand, when “Buddy” barks at Nali attempting to engage her in play, Bee will go over and “tell him” Nali can’t play.  Bee has gotten very protective.  I think about the blog post when I noticed Bee’s markings around her eye resembling the Eye of Horus.  As an ancient symbol of protection, restoration, and good health…I knew Jirakee was meant to be with us.

After consulting with an oncologist, there wasn’t a treatment plan she could offer us other than pain control aka, hospice.  Well, that wasn’t acceptable!  We are on a homeopathic regiment.  I don’t have delusions, I’m not naive and know that we aren’t curing cancer…If we can stop the progression of the disease, lengthen her life with quality years…I’m committed to giving it EVERYTHING I have!  There are days that I feel so strong, that I know we can beat this, together!

On one of my good days, in quarantine, I revisited a lost desire…I want to learn how to play guitar.  The past couple of weeks, I’ve been working on it.  Having this to focus on has been very helpful.  A focus on a creative outlet, while building confidence with accomplishment of improving, is refreshing to my daily emotional struggle.

There aren’t any words to express how grateful I am for my friends and family…for supporting us during the highs and lows.  Thank You just isn’t enough…

…without challenges we couldn’t fully feel the accomplishment of overcoming…