…I thought I knew, but maybe a better question is “Who am I ?” …

Whew, I just realized it’s been about 1 month since I made a blog post.  I’ve been going through some shit… I’ll tell you a story,…

…I woke up Friday morning feeling the effects of my seasonal depression, questioning the choices I’d made in my life, in existential angst, wondering…”Why am I a 45 year old woman, that has purged most of her belongings, exhausted her savings, and living in her friend’s basement?”  I was looking for the depth, the feeling of the energy that connects us all and I wasn’t finding/feeling it.  Hoping to get an “AH-HA” moment to validate my choice to explore a different path. That moment/feeling didn’t come. I felt I was facing my fear surrounding money/lack of money/debt/growing debt by not allowing my fear to influence my decisions when it came to money.  The reality that EVERYTHING comes back to money kept hitting me. Do we all just live a superficial life? meant to work to buy a house to work more to pay for the house and acquire material things that society has set as “keeping up with the Jones’s”?  Do I settle for that and go back to the way it was? with a good paying job, to buy the house… (side note: I got a second job to help shoulder my financial burden.  About 2 weeks into orientation I was struggling to maintain the unreasonable expectation of training schedule.)  That same Friday morning I received a phone call from my manager, she expressed her concerns and asked me if I was committed ?…Thinking about the income I could potentially generate from this job, I assured her I was.  I came upstairs to take care of the “team” (my girls and my friend’s 2 boys). The 5 month old Pomsky still needs his crate.  I came upstairs and saw he had shit ALL over his crate/bed/himself…I just started to cry…I’m not talking tears welling up, soft cry…I’m talking about full on ugly, Boo-Hoo cry!! and that lasted all day.  I cleaned up the mess, including the puppy, crying the entire time.  I hugged my girls, dripping tears on Nali as Bee licked the tracks of my tears off my cheek…I couldn’t seem to get control of my crying…It was a sunny/warm day; I thought if I went outside and felt the sun on my face I would feel better…instead I stood outside and Boo-Hoo cried…I was in such despair I was inconsolable.  I reached out to some good friends and was able to stop crying that night before I went to work with my quadriplegic man.

As my friend’s might know, I’m not a crier.  I didn’t realize all of the emotion I had let build up inside me.  I tell this story to help me process.  I now believe this purging of emotion was in order to make room for positive energy.  “A breakthrough, a shifting of old shit to make room for growth.”

You might have heard folks buzzing about Mercury retrograde.  How the astrological happening can create a certain degree of pandemonium/chaos…Was this the AH-HA moment/feeling I was hoping/looking for? The spontaneous volcanic emotion eruption that overwhelmed me…and left a cleansed soul.???

I’m learning the skills needed to get in touch with my authentic self, and live a purpose driven life.  That place where your body/heart/mind all combine into one.  Navigating the dynamic between them and developing the skills needed to recognize how to get there.

I was having lunch with a dear friend and she said to me…”live YOUR life, not the life others say you should…”  I thought I was; however, she made me question that.  “Who am I”…then I go back to I’m a 45 year old woman, with no valuable possessions, no money, living in her friend’s basement with her 2 dogs, nothing valuable to offer… Trying to transform my perception of failure into unmet expectations.  I had a vision of what I thought my path would look like and it doesn’t look like that…doesn’t make me a failure, I came to a result that did not meet my expectations.

In my learning I heard a thought on change -vs- transformation…Let me know what you think…

CHANGE is an action you can go through and still return to the past…”I changed my habit” or “I changed my mind”

TRANSFORMATION is an action you can go through and NOT return to the past…”A butterfly can NOT go back to being a caterpillar” or “a frog can never go back to a tadpole”… True transformation is never able to return to the way it was…

I have always felt a certain connection to my inner self, my heart and the energy that connects us all.  I was blessed to have parents that encouraged exploration of spirituality and didn’t force any beliefs down my throat.  As I grew up I had ebbs and flows of closeness to that connection.  As I’m growing older, I’m learning the skills to LIVE in my authentic self present everyday.  “Being a human being is hard”

Yesterday was Spring Equinox and Full Moon, Super Moon.  The energy shifted, for me, despite Mercury is in retrograde until March 28th.  It was the final Super Moon of the trio of Super Moons that started off 2019.  Native Americans name the moons very thoughtfully with unique names for each.  “Full Worm Moon- as the temperature begins to warm and the ground begins to thaw, earthworm casts appear, heralding the return of the robins…The Full March Moon is also called the Sugar Moon.  It’s always the last full moon before the beginning of Spring…this is the time of year the sugary-sweet sap starts to leak from maple trees- and it’s symbolic of good to come”… -Cherokee Billie

I’ve developed a daily ritual to focus these energies inward helping to bring greater clarity and avoid the build up of emotions resulting in another eruption.  I am using sound/vibration/movement Chakra chanting. Listening to my body in moments of stillness and quiet.  Still using yoga to promote physical body wellness, now adding a few minutes to listen to ME and who I am.  I just started this ritual in the past few days and I’m already feeling a difference.

Blessings to you all for your support and following along on this journey with us.  I’m working on my podcast so keep an eye out and please be sure to tune in…

Hoping Spring brings you renewal of fresh/positive energy…